I’m panicking over Fall. I always panic over Fall. Every year it whips into town with its brisk air and unnatural gourds and quietly transforms everyone around me into employees of industry. People who know how to do stuff. I … Continue reading

Whispers of Death Among The Corn

Another year, another corn maze. This year’s trek through the maize dredged up the repressed terror of the last one. – We came to the labyrinth of grain aboard a wooden chariot littered with hay and pulled by a sturdy … Continue reading

It Smells Like Crazy In Here

  When I was a teenager, my mom got a dog. She was a Brittany Spaniel with a compact and sturdy body covered with feathered wisps of white and amber hair. She was an elegant thing, reminiscent of the famous … Continue reading

Shake It Up

My husband bought one of those dumbbells that needs to be shaken in order to sculpt muscles. It’s called the Shake Weight, an intuitive moniker that tells you all you really need to know about it yet everyone describes the … Continue reading

I Like To Make Gynecologists Question Their Life Choices

– Why is it called an Intrauterine Device? Are there batteries? Or ticking? Will Tom Cruise ever need to defuse it? – This diagram looks like someone has a wishbone lodged in their heart, which actually almost happened to me … Continue reading

‘Just Say No’ Never Took Hold

I am a Jehova’s Witness. Well, I’m not yet, but I may be soon so I’m trying on the proverbial dress to see if it fits. I don’t actually want to be a Witness, but I can’t seem to convey … Continue reading

What’s So Great About First Place?

I once attended an auction while my husband, G, was out of town. I’d never been to an auction and had no idea what to expect. I knew they were the playgrounds of the upwardly mobile and that if I … Continue reading

Just Another Day

5:20am Dress silently for the gym in the dark. 5:30am Toddler appears in the doorway of his room, sniffling, says, “Why are you doing this to me?” Please, kid, only my inner thighs get to ask that. 5:32am Attempt in … Continue reading

Don’t Take Crap From Anyone

Once, when I was in high school, a boy smeared crap all over the walls of the men’s locker room. I learned of the incident when I entered the gymnasium in the afternoon, headed for basketball practice. Every janitor who … Continue reading